it was for the best

i've been doing some thinking and i've come to realize one thing: the breakup was probably for the best. i love her a lot. and i would love her to be my wife. she gave up on us due to such trivial things. if this was a preview of things to come then it would have been ugly. it would have been harder if i proposed and then she said no. or it would have been harder if we got married and have a family and everything went to shit. the plan was to propose to her on our 9th year anniversary. that would be have been on july 16, 2017 and the plan was to have the wedding one year later. i would have been 30 years old and let's say that i'll be dead by the time i'm 75. that would mean that we would be spending 45 years together and in those years there would be problems far worse than the trivial shit we went through. who knows how she would have responded. so basically, what i'm saying is, i sort of dodged a bullet there.

almost a year

it's been a while since i've written here. things got complicated at school. this stupid emotional shit got in the way of my studies and i got an inc on one of my subjects. fuck. i tried not to think of her but i always end up doing the opposite. i still love her and i will always do. i wish we were still together or that i was given another chance but things didn't happen the way i wanted it to be. there's nothing i can do but to accept the fact that i will never see her smile, hear her sweet childish voice or hold her arms again. theres nothing to do but to move on. thankfully, my friends have been very supportive of me and i've met new people that are helping me move on. i should hang out with them more often. it'll make things easier. anyways, it's already 2016 and it's alost a year since things became shitty (we broke up march 17, 2015). hopefully, this year would be kind to me. im planning to do more stuff and be more active. i'm looking forward to doing things that i can't even think of trying before. i'm also hoping to meet new people and make new friends. i want to overcome and improve my introverted and passive self. the plan for the year is to look for something that makes me happy and then find that other person who i can share my happiness with. maybe it'll be this year. maybe it'll be the next. who knows. one thing is for sure: it's a new chapter of my life now and you're not the heroine anymore. i can't do anything about the past but i can do everything for the future. what i have to do now is to better myself and improve my flaws so that the future love of my life will stay by my side.

Day 2

It was a fun and busy day today. I went out with one of my closest friends. She said I was lucky to get out of the relationship. We then watched the little prince. It was the first time after one year that I watched a movie at the cinema. It was a successful day for me. I was able to resist the urge to text my ex and I was able to focus on the brightside of the breakup. Kudos!

Day 1.2

Soooo... I received a text. It was scary lol. This day, I had a long talk with a friend. I was single and we weren't doing anything but I still felt like I was cheating. We came to the conclusion that I am crazy lol. and that I was in an abusive relationship. I'll have a problem approaching girls in the future. I also came to the conclusion that this is all that I can offer. If she didn't like it, there's nothing I can do about it. Besides, why is it always me that would have to compromise. That's unfair.

Day 1

Sooo. New day. i was able to talk to my friends last night and I'm okay again. I have a ton of work piled up and I haven't touched them in a while. I hope today's gonna be ok and that i would be able to finish all of them. I also have a meeting at 4pm. That's good because I get to go out and stay holed up at home. It's really hard being alone.

Entry #11: Giving up all the pretention

I can't hold it anymore. I want to talk to her. I want to call her and I'm gonna call her right now. I don't know what I would say to her but still. I know she's happy now and all but hearing her voice, that simple 'hello' was enough to lift my spirit. I don't know why but she can't hear me. Maybe something's wrong with the phone. I'll just send her an email instead. Am I hoping for a reply? Of course! Will it happen? Highly unlikely. My mind is fucked up right now and I can't think clearly JM de guzman levels. Shit, this is bad.

Entry #10: Waking moment

I dreamt of her and I just woke up. This is bad. I really should not have sent and written that letter when I was angry. Now she wouldn't even consider seeing me or anything at all. At least before the message, she would probably read anything that I send (and yes she did) but now I screwed up big time. Like the worst shit I've done in my whole life. I had one chance to send her something that can either make or break everything and I send her a rage-filled message? What was I thinking? She even changed her dp to disgust from inside out. I'm so screwed. What if I didn't send the rage message and sent a love letter instead? Would she have at least considered taking me back? What if I pretended not to see her video and asked her out? Would she agree? What if I try to ask her out again even if she's angry at me? What if I apologize for everything I did right now? Would she forgive me? I want her back and I'm willing to do anything. I just don't know what. This is a lot of what ifs. Relationships are not built on what ifs. Shit. Everything in my life is falling apart. I wish I'm dead or all of this is just a big nightmare.