Entry #10: Waking moment

I dreamt of her and I just woke up. This is bad. I really should not have sent and written that letter when I was angry. Now she wouldn't even consider seeing me or anything at all. At least before the message, she would probably read anything that I send (and yes she did) but now I screwed up big time. Like the worst shit I've done in my whole life. I had one chance to send her something that can either make or break everything and I send her a rage-filled message? What was I thinking? She even changed her dp to disgust from inside out. I'm so screwed. What if I didn't send the rage message and sent a love letter instead? Would she have at least considered taking me back? What if I pretended not to see her video and asked her out? Would she agree? What if I try to ask her out again even if she's angry at me? What if I apologize for everything I did right now? Would she forgive me? I want her back and I'm willing to do anything. I just don't know what. This is a lot of what ifs. Relationships are not built on what ifs. Shit. Everything in my life is falling apart. I wish I'm dead or all of this is just a big nightmare.