Day 2

It was a fun and busy day today. I went out with one of my closest friends. She said I was lucky to get out of the relationship. We then watched the little prince. It was the first time after one year that I watched a movie at the cinema. It was a successful day for me. I was able to resist the urge to text my ex and I was able to focus on the brightside of the breakup. Kudos!

Day 1.2

Soooo... I received a text. It was scary lol. This day, I had a long talk with a friend. I was single and we weren't doing anything but I still felt like I was cheating. We came to the conclusion that I am crazy lol. and that I was in an abusive relationship. I'll have a problem approaching girls in the future. I also came to the conclusion that this is all that I can offer. If she didn't like it, there's nothing I can do about it. Besides, why is it always me that would have to compromise. That's unfair.

Day 1

Sooo. New day. i was able to talk to my friends last night and I'm okay again. I have a ton of work piled up and I haven't touched them in a while. I hope today's gonna be ok and that i would be able to finish all of them. I also have a meeting at 4pm. That's good because I get to go out and stay holed up at home. It's really hard being alone.

Entry #11: Giving up all the pretention

I can't hold it anymore. I want to talk to her. I want to call her and I'm gonna call her right now. I don't know what I would say to her but still. I know she's happy now and all but hearing her voice, that simple 'hello' was enough to lift my spirit. I don't know why but she can't hear me. Maybe something's wrong with the phone. I'll just send her an email instead. Am I hoping for a reply? Of course! Will it happen? Highly unlikely. My mind is fucked up right now and I can't think clearly JM de guzman levels. Shit, this is bad.

Entry #10: Waking moment

I dreamt of her and I just woke up. This is bad. I really should not have sent and written that letter when I was angry. Now she wouldn't even consider seeing me or anything at all. At least before the message, she would probably read anything that I send (and yes she did) but now I screwed up big time. Like the worst shit I've done in my whole life. I had one chance to send her something that can either make or break everything and I send her a rage-filled message? What was I thinking? She even changed her dp to disgust from inside out. I'm so screwed. What if I didn't send the rage message and sent a love letter instead? Would she have at least considered taking me back? What if I pretended not to see her video and asked her out? Would she agree? What if I try to ask her out again even if she's angry at me? What if I apologize for everything I did right now? Would she forgive me? I want her back and I'm willing to do anything. I just don't know what. This is a lot of what ifs. Relationships are not built on what ifs. Shit. Everything in my life is falling apart. I wish I'm dead or all of this is just a big nightmare.

Entry #9: Psychosis

I wish that life would give me a third chance to be with her. When that happens, I'll do everything right and I'll make sure that she won't regret it. It's a pipedream though. In case it does not, from here on out, the person that I would refer to is the one who does not exist. Basically, this would be something in the lines of a fairy tale or day dreaming. But hey, screw you, this is my blog. And since I've set my mind on being with this person forever, I would really wish that it would happen but life screws as all and it didn't and I'm hoping to bring it to life through my imagination and this blog. That sentence was horrendous grammatically but you get the point. I wish it is real though.

Entry #8: Does not exist

As I've mentioned in the previous post, there are times when I would think of you and make me think of begging you for forgiveness hoping that you would give me another chance. One of my friends talked some sense to me: that person, the one that I loved, and the one who promised that we would be together forever DOES NOT EXIST anymore. You may look the same but the personalities are now different. I think she's right. The person that I fell in love with is now gone. This is why I named the blog Does not exist. But I still love that person. I love the way she laughs. I love the way she would make childish remarks with her childish voice. The way she eats ice and says it her way of drinking water. I love how that person won't let anyone push her around. They way she smirks at something that bothers her or anyone that frustrates her. I love how vocal she is of what she feels. I love the way she speaks and the way she sings. I love how she would sleep in my arms. And I love that she loved me too. But that person does not exist anymore. And I have to accept that.

Entry #7: Grateful

Every now and then, things would pop in my head that would make me want to crawl back and beg you to leave him and be with me instead. It would make me think "Screw everyone! You won't know until you try! Don't let another chance get away just because you don't have the courage to ask! You're pretty much fucked now so there's nothing you can do that would bring you down further". In a sense, I'm correct. I've lost a lot of opportunities just because I didn't ask. I lost you because I didn't have the courage to face you after the breakup. This is bad because one, it would never happen because you already said that you are happy now and two, if it did happen, it would be because you pity me and not because you love me. We don't want that. When this happens, I message my friends to help keep me in check. I told them that I need them to talk some sense to me when I start to feel that I want to get back with you again no matter the cost. Luckily, I have three friends who I can talk to. I know they're few but it's better than nothing. I can't keep bothering them though so I started this blog. I'm very thankful for them because even if I ditched them before so that you won't be angry (you hated them), they still came back and helped me through these tough times.

Entry #6: Acceptance

It's all over. There's nothing I can do about that. I can mope around all day and it won't change anything. I can crawl back and beg you but it won't make any difference. You already made your decision. Besides, I promised that I won't bother you anymore. I have to accept the fact the the person my life revolves with is already gone. It sucks though because for the past 6+ years, you're the only person who's consistently there. I only see my friends like once or twice a year. Three times if I'm lucky. Other than that, I'm always alone. Accepting this change would be very hard. I need to surround myself with a lot of people. I can't work or study because the image you keeps flashing back right in front of my eyes. I need to do something physically or someone to talk to constantly. It keeps my mind preoccupied. The nights are the hardest. Especially when I don't fall asleep at once. I can't be idle or everything would rush back. I need to accept that you're already with another man. I watched your video countless times and I looked through your pictures to numb the pain. I read in a blog that I need to get rid of everything that reminded me of you. So I burned everything. I thought I can. The picture I sent was just a pretend burning lol. I did burn one picture though the one where I loved the way your bangs cover a part of your forehead. I think you look great with that haircut. So I burned half of it. I can't push through so I just hid it upstairs away from my sight. After a few days, and tons of praying. I would like to think that I have accepted this fact so I can finally start moving on.

Entry #5: The Last Message

Everyone was against the idea of me sending you a message. I didn't care so I sent you one. They were right, I just fucked things up even more. Writing the letter while I'm confused and enraged certainly didn't help either. What I wrote just made you angry even more. You said we both fell out of love. Is this the reaction of someone who fell out of love? You're the one who fell out of love but won't admit it. You said that you did not cheat on me and your relationship with him was like that of your friends from pa. Did you held hands with your friends there? I doubt that. I don't know why you still keep dodging that. The evidence is overwhelming. Besides, you chose the other guy over me. There's really nothing I can do. I can't force you to be with me. So why bother denying it? On your letter, you said that you waited for me on your birthday and that you pray that you will be able to accept the person that is actually for you. I didn't came but he did so you chose him. The question is, what would you have done if we both came? Considering you broke up with me. It would have been probably him. I asked you if you faked it all this time. You didn't address the issue. Maybe it's true. After all, months after you broke up with me, you're already with another man. You guys probably didn't even follow the three month rule. You moved on so fast. There were girls who asked me out but I declined because I was still hung up on you. Maybe I loved you more than you love me. Or maybe you didn't love me at all. You said you're very happy now. Reading that, my heart got crushed to a million pieces. I realized that I fucked up. You never said that to me. I just assumed that you were happy. If you're happy, then there's nothing I should do to stop that. After all, it's been your happiness that has been my priority and I'm willing to sacrifice everything even if it means me giving up. I concede. Your happy and that's what's important. It just sucks that it's not with me.

Entry #4: The Past

It was the first few years of our relationship. You were still working as a Youth Ambassador for KCCP. I just shifted to Geography. We both became busy. I met a girl and after a while, chemistry developed between us. It was wrong, I know. I have feelings for two different girls and that's just cheating. The time came when I needed to choose between the two of you. I chose to be with you. I was hoping you would still accept me despite what happened. I promise that if you did, I will do everything that I can to salvage our relationship. Luckily, you still accepted me. I was very thankful for the second chance you gave me. I promised myself that I won't screw things up this time. However, because I messed up big time, you did not trust me ever again. You became jealous at the smallest hint of contact with any girl. It became a problem because most of my friends are girls. I had to get rid of all of them and I did. I promised that I would do everything. With this in mind, I asked myself, was it revenge that you were after when you finally broke up me? Were you just playing the whole time so in the end you can get back at me? Who knows. I don't care. I just want you back. I stabbed your heart, but I came back and did my best to stop the bleeding. You stabbed me back, but you tossed me onto a field and left me to die.

Entry #3: The Rage-Filled Message

My birthday came and I would really love to see you again. However, I stumbled on that stupid video you made for your new boyfriend. Everything came crashing down on me. I can't stand. My knees feel weak. I feel cold and there is a gut-wrenching feeling that I cannot shake off. You had tons of pictures together and some of it were during the time you had short hair. WTF? We were still together back then (or so I thought) so I start scavenging the internet. What I uncovered was devastating. You've been seeing this guy for more than a year! I saw your photos from way back 2014. There were a lot. We were still together back then. There were comments like "Sino yan pre, bago na naman yan ah", "hindi, matagal na 'to" replied by your bf. There was even a check-in at UP Town Center on May 8, 2014. A day after your birthday. A day after we were together. It had a caption that says "with mahal". You've been having dates with this guy for a long while! The nail in the coffin was that someone saw you holding hands way back in December 2013. I only heard of this guy in a few of your stories. I thought you only saw him when you were working for Ann. Apparently, you referred this guy to your work at Kamuning. I was thinking it was out of pity since you said he was jobless. My friends said maybe you wanted him to spend more time with you. Then it came rushing to me. You've been complaining that you've been really busy with work and we didn't really have a lot of time to spend together. Why didn't you refer me? Is this guy why? Because you're seeing him? I came to a conclusion. You broke up with me because you wanted to be with this guy. I snapped and so, with rage-filled head, I wrote an email to you. Why did you just not say so? If you've been seeing this guy for more than a year, why did you not break up with me back then? What were you doing for the past year? Were you just pretending to be in love with me? Was I just a leisure activity (pampalipas-oras lol) to you? Was this all planned along because of what I did during our first few years together? A couple of hours later, I received an email.

Entry #2: The Months Prior

We've broken up a couple of months ago but I thought of it more as a cool off rather than an actual break-up. After all, you said you wanted to prioritize your work and your career and I am on board. I'll do what I can to help you in anything and you know that. Besides, I was also working on my startup and improving my skills at the time. I was thinking that after sometime everything would be okay and we would be back together. After all, we've been through a lot but after 6+ years, we're still together. After the breakup, I didn't cry. Have I just fallen out of love like you said? I doubt that because if I did, this won't be a big deal and yet here I am, writing a blog to keep my self in check. We had a lot of fights before but every after fight, we would chase to one another to fix things up. You thought of breaking up with me before (about 3 times) but we were still together years later. Maybe I was thinking that this would be fixed again. Like all the other times. Besides, we promised that it would be us together for the rest of our lives. Little did I know that this would be a wrong assumption. Your birthday is coming near and I really want to win you back so I had a necklace made with 3 diamonds (i don't know if it's actually diamonds. i don't know shit about jewelry) and a pendant with your birthstone. I was hoping to give it to you for your birthday but since you shut me out, I had no way of contacting you. I saved a copy of your resume from your email so that I can mail the necklace or call one of your siblings and ask them to give it to you. Stupid me, I forgot that I can also contact you through your email. I don't know why but I didn't want to directly contact you. Maybe it's pride or something. I don't know what it is but it's stupid. Time passed and to keep my mind off things, I applied for grad school. That was on your birth month. I became quite busy processing all the required documents that I forgot to give you the necklace. Pride also kicked and screamed at me, "hey! she's the one who left you!". I don't know why and it was stupid but I didn't give you the necklace. I got accepted in grad school and I suddenly became busy. I still think of you from time to time and I've always wondered what you're currently doing. I subscribed to your FB when you re-activated your account which you updated like 4-5 times (cheerdance, China vs PH, about a bestfriend or something, Ginebra and another one that I forgot). I also check your email from time to time (sorry). You applied to a lot of companies but for some reason, you decline each and every one of them. I know you're very picky too when it comes to work so I applied as a coordinator for Mineski. Their office is in QC which is near your place and it's Mineski! Dude loves Mineski so I though you being there would be perfect for the both of you. Moreover, you're a good event coordinator so it would be a perfect fit! I recommended you but I really don't know what happened. Months passed and I though everything was okay. I'm studying and working on my startup which is travel related. Next year, the startup would be up and I would ask you back again. Hopefully by that time, you'd take me back and then both of us can travel through my startup (like we always wanted to do, but never materialized). It seems perfect. I couldn't be any more wrong.

Entry #1: What this Blog is About

I'm Yoojin and I started this blog because I need a way to release all the tension and emotion inside me. I just came from a 6+ year relationship and I handled the break-up (or the realization of it) badly. I have to write stuff because I might implode and I would've killed myself already but luckily, my friends are there. To prevent that from happening again, I started this blog. This lets me keep my emotions in check. When emotions and feelings resurface, I will be writing here. I'll be posting here until the day that I finally get over you.